Affirmations Diary 2017, 2022.

 Yesterday I momentary got distracted by a doctor who wanted me to do a keto diet in her experiment that she was conducting out of a credible university.  It would have been virtual.  The reason I decided not to do it is I hate keto diets.  lol I love carbohydrates, especially fresh fruits and whole grains.  That keto diet might have driven me bonkers.   "I can lose weight by moderating what I eat." This year I lost 45 pounds.  Hoping to repeat the process in 2022.   Counting calories and moderating food intake seems so easy compared to keto dieting.  I know keto works well for some people.  Personally I would feel terribly constrained. 

 James Clear says instead of asking what you want to achieve we should ask who we want to become. I have been thinking about that today, and at first I wasn't sure who that person is (the person I want to become).   Clear's question is what people are suggested to think about when it comes to setting daily goals.   Who do I want to become? Every day I have been making my bed, counting 100 breaths, eating a big portion of veggies, and trying to walk a mile each day.   But who does that mean I want to become? I want to become someone with a tidy bed, maybe? With a clear head?  Who is healthy and strong? Those might be possible answers but I don't think that is necessarily the kind of answer Clear is looking for.   I think rather than working back from goals I am supposed to just use my imagination and think of who I want to be. I do want to be healthy and strong and clear headed.  That is true though. This is not my best post ever.  oh well

 My mind has returned to the subject of "vocation" at least for the time being.  I do not work right now, in the conventional way the word work is used.  I do not do labor for money.  I do volunteer and pour lots of my energy into art and writing.  Occasionally vocation comes into my mind and I consider for a while that maybe life would be just as good if I did try again to work in the traditional sense.   My time is very valuable to me, and I am not about to use my time to work most jobs, because I would rather be very poor than have to sacrifice my time from doing what I love.  This year I was employed part time for a while as an aid and I loved doing that, though it had its own challenges, and I was not constantly happy with it, I still was very glad I did it.   Yesterday I applied for a job.  I am not sure what will happen with that.  Will they call me in for an interview and I decide not to go?  Maybe.  This has happened before.  But it is another line of work where I im

 I live in Bristol, TN.  Our city is having a really strange/awful environmental problem.  A scientist was called in, who might be a "bad scientist" who said the gases our landfill are polluting our air and water are noxious but not toxic.  I think I have that right.  She said it is a terrible stink but that the chemical levels are not high enough that our health should be threatened.  People feel they are being gassed to their end.  People report a sickness that develops only when they are in Bristol TN or Bristol VA, our neighboring city with the dump problem.    It has been hard for me to know what to believe, because officials and scientists say it is not harmful, but people are suffering miserably.  For a while I thought it was just a bad stink.  I was aware that mental health effects can seem larger than life, and so I thought it was just a mental health problem.   Now I am thinking there could be some kind of effort to cover up a major chemical spill.  But of course, n

 Today is Mom's 79th birthday.  Mom is my buddy.  She is my closest companion and friend.  I love Mom so much and don't say it enough.  This birthday, I remember how precious life is. "I honor the wabi sabi of existence." Wabi sabi means the beauty of impermanence.  When I think of something I can't imagine life without, I am reassured, when I think of it in terms of wabi sabi.   It can be hard to think of impermanence of imperfection as positive, but beauty is interesting that way because sad things can still hold beauty.   But Mom is alive.  So I don't mean for my thoughts to sound morbid.  Just fleeting.  Recognizing the quality of things that are not forever. My life is not forever. My dog's life is not forever. Nothing anyone loves will be here forever.  I don't think.  At least I can't think of anything that exists forever.  Can you? I made a wonderful cake and posted some youtube videos of the process.  (See "thru Schizoaffective Eyes&q

Major self improvement progress. My post from yesterday has been growing inside of me. I was remembering times in the past when I lashed out at people I thought I had trusted because they said something that hurt me or made me feel belittled. Even a friend just being disappointed in me has been enough for me to lash out. But when I started thinking of my own self sacrifice as necessary, it really helped me figure out how to stop this long lived tendency. “I think I am going to be able to change myself to be more patient with the ones I love.” Yesterday, Mom was talking way too much, and for a moment I almost told her I had better things to do than listen to her talk. But she is turning 79 tomorrow, of all ages, so I thought to myself, my time with Mom is limited and precious, and I listened to everything she had to say. It took great patience, but I pulled on my own inner strengths which are great. Love is a power that if called on can help us do great things.

Such renewed energy today. Hoping the good feeling sticks. Sent off a birthday package to Autumn with whom I have been having a challenged conversation with lately. My fault that it has been as negative as it has. “I value my friends even when it means self sacrifice.” Been feeling like keeping up my end of things with Autumn is too challenging to be worth it, but really it is a great gift that I need to appreciate. Ed Davis said something about God existing in these learning moments, especially where we are stretching for someone else, because there is something higher being shared, something greater and bigger holding things to a vaster purpose. It might feel like too much work, but I am glad to be able to do work to keep a friend.

“I am learning to stick to it. I have been involved in my nonprofit, River’s Way, for over nine months, and now that we are meeting back on Zoom I am planning to be back with it. Sticking with it has been hard for me all through my life, so I am proud to see that I have settled in to something enough to stay with it this long. Sometimes I sit there thinking and there aren’t even words in my head at all but it feels like a very important pause to take, like if I did not take that pause, I never could have got to the words that do eventually come, when they turn into thoughts and maybe even writing. This paragraph is like that. I just was sitting and needing the space of just not even thinking, just a long intentional moment of absolutely nothing. “I am learning to recognize times when I just need to stop and breathe.” So when I say my meditation practice is helping, part of my process extends into random moments too.

We find ourselves a couple years into a pandemic. There have been 5 variants, at least, of this COVID disease, that has led to many hospitalizations and deaths. We are currently experiencing the Omicron variant, which is known to be a milder but more contagious strain of the virus. When I learned about Omicron, I was a little more worried than the previous variants, because I imagined people might not take it as seriously. Also, I had suffered 3 colds in 2 months, and am concerned my immunity is low for some reason that I am not sure why it is. So I am extra cautious about contracting COVID 19 myself, even if this strain is supposed to be easier to survive. Currently, the hospitals are overwhelmed by sick people. Some medical facilities have decided to send their infected staff back to work if they are not experiencing symptoms, because there is a shortage of hospital workers. All of this has me a little worried. That is not the only reason I have been a little stressed

“I wonder about deep questions.” I was reading a book about meditation yesterday that used the term “inward” that made me start thinking about what it really is to be inward. “Nirvana is reached by turning inward” it said. Then it went on to say that Samsara is come to when we turn outside our selves. So it is a known idea in Buddhist thought that turning inward aids to meditative processes, and meditative processes lead to better mental clarity, calmness, and improved self control. But what does it mean to turn inward? So I made a little list of actions that turn me inward. Being silent. Not scrolling through my phone. Counting my breaths. Recognizing my thoughts and feelings. Then I started wondering, there are times when I turn more inward, and other times when my focus is more outward. Would it be ideal for my mental health for me to always focus inwardly? Or is there a balance in what should be strived for between the interior and the exterior aims?

I was looking through some old writing, wondering if some gem remains unpublished, when I came upon this diary of affirmations from 2017. It is an inspiring moment in self development for me to look back at. Lately, I have had a blossoming of accomplishments and good times, but my diary lately has read a little more like a list of happenings and less digging deep in inner workings. There is something useful in this kind of writing, so I am reopening the journal, right now, to try and extend the thought a little for modern times. “I am stronger than pandemic or personal illness.” That is a big statement, but I am surviving the pandemic and though I have been struggling with my health a little too much lately, I know that my body is equipped to fight whatever is the actual underlying cause. Though many people have died due to the COVID 19, I have been growing, lost major weight, have done volunteer work for a nonprofit I am proud of these years of social distancing. I

  I think a lot has happened since I wrote this. I really should update this journal because something has happened, I have learned something, and I am deeper in self compassion than I ever was before. First I am going back to see what I wrote because I think that is important. Now having caught myself up, I see that some results are in from before and a lot truly has happened so let me tell you. First of all, I did not get into university. So when I did go to talk to my therapist, I was all ready to tell her that I felt a part of my life has ended or ended with mental illness at 18. But Lindsey is a good therapist and she looked at me and said that it can feel like our dreams have perished but I am still young and I can do anything I truly want to do now. So for about a week I thought, my dream was a husband, a child, and a house. So am I starting at square one? And how would I have a kid if my medicine gives birth defects. Then I got a bee in

In high school I revved my motor so diligently with studying and learning my way through rows of calculus numbers. I was like a top by graduation. It was clear that something was going to happen to me other than just the walking across the stage and the gathering of diplomas. I often feel so duped that I didn't get to use my mathematical skills. In fact I often feel that 18 would have led to a perfect and normal life if I hadn't gotten sick with mental illness. In many ways it feels like my life ended at 18. Right now is like a turn in the road almost as big feeling as 18. It could be a place from which I go up not spiral down. I now don't have debt to my name and I have a college degree. I have therapy next week. Hopefully I find a way to talk to someone about this turn in my life instead of just following the easiest possibly course or doing what seems like the best opportunity. I want to do for myself what will be best for me. It feels like a hard decis

  Truly, that is exactly what affirmations are, are this diary entry inward directly to self compassion. And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact when are we not alone talking to ourselves? When in the company of others, people tend to put more effort into what they are saying than what they are taking in, and that is not completely a bad thing. Sometimes hopefully, I find myself at this place where I want to hear what I say. That is when I write in my journal of affirmations, another line to firm my relationship. “I have focused on writing more extensively than most, like my haiku art, today, churning out 40 short poems.” Haiku says to us, focus on a moment. Yes, that first one that comes to your head. That is a worthy thing. Nature and a season element are enough. “I am aware of flightiness of time, fleeting moment, microcosm to macrocosm.” As I write more and more, I realize a big thing going on here is quantity. I am letting any

In high school I was one of the most disciplined students. I would not allow myself to buy a candy bar or eat it, ever. Next week I am filing bankruptcy. I have gained a lot of candy bar weight too. What happened? My personality has evolved over time, drastically at times, slowly at times, gladly at times (we call that maturing.) It is important to discuss our low points, though not all of our low points, but the ones that come up again and again. Mine dwells in a history. When I was 17, I was bit by a tick, and I got Lyme Disease, and brought on fatigue and an onset of depression and ultimately madness. At 18 I was diagnosed as bipolar, and my experienced doctor said I was one of the most severe mania cases he ever had seen. At 19 I voluntarily committed myself to outpatient psychological studies, at my father's suggestion, so we could better afford treatment which was the only option for me. 20 years old, my mental capacity and brilliance still existed, but I spent a

When I felt trapped in a class that seemed hostile towards me in college, I dropped out. I actually have a rich history of dropping out and nearly dropping out and speeding back when it was almost too late, when I had missed so many classes, when I had almost reached a desperation deeper than my capacity to return. But I was so certain that I needed to complete college, and it is my proudest accomplishment. I have experienced so many rock bottoms, so many desperate moments, that I have a rich soil in which I can learn from, from which my esteem can fertilize and grow. Perseverance is a definite theme. In fact, I would definitely write that at every mile marker in the woods as I map my way along. “If at first I don't succeed I keep trying.” I remember the feeling of the rock on the bottom. There is some comfort or easiness even there, where ever you find yourself, whether homeless on a street corner or curled in the fetal position in your mother's house, as I did

 “I am a super intelligent communicator because I communicate more than most.” This was the first affirmation that came to me. Hopefully this book is a point in case. Or to take that further hopefully I am communicating with clarity and wisdom not just a lot. If I was to say it to someone else, they might need a back story. But can be it a place holder for my esteem that I can return to. Early in the day I had been crying, wondering what was wrong with me. It was Valentines Day, and the loss of a friend who didn't want to be my friend anymore three years ago had swelled up in my heart, and I had felt deep loss. Crying, and feeling low, I called a mutual friend with the lost friend asking why he had dismissed my friendship. The mutual friend was much closer to my friend, but she saw something in me that has always been true and she finally exposed the wound to me so that I could see how to heal it. “You have so many strengths. I want you to know your own strengt

  Dear Reader, Maggie Hess here, the writer of this blog. It currently is January 2022, and I finally just decided to turn this spot, at least for now, into my Affirmation Journal. If you like what you read here, maybe you would enjoy reading some of my many books available on Kindle, text, and Audible. Just type in “Maggie Hess” and 40 or so books will be available at your finger tips. I hope to update this blog each day, but if I fall off, know I plan to be back. Especially if you enjoy reading about personal growth, this blog is for you! (It starts in 2017 and then it jumps up to the modern era...)