February 14, 2017

 “I am a super intelligent communicator because I communicate more than most.”

This was the first affirmation that came to me. Hopefully this book is a point in case. Or to take that further hopefully I am communicating with clarity and wisdom not just a lot. If I was to say it to someone else, they might need a back story. But can be it a place holder for my esteem that I can return to. Early in the day I had been crying, wondering what was wrong with me. It was Valentines Day, and the loss of a friend who didn't want to be my friend anymore three years ago had swelled up in my heart, and I had felt deep loss. Crying, and feeling low, I called a mutual friend with the lost friend asking why he had dismissed my friendship. The mutual friend was much closer to my friend, but she saw something in me that has always been true and she finally exposed the wound to me so that I could see how to heal it.

“You have so many strengths. I want you to know your own strengths so you can build yourself back.”

In that low moment, I knew that I have the capacity to be very low and self despairing but that I also have the capacity to rebuild myself up. I guess I have been living a sustainable existence, to use an environmental term. The highs go low and eventually I build myself back up and perhaps also enjoy highs. Life marches on. But what if I this book that I am writing could serve as my ticket out of this cycle? Or my pass to speed up the low points as they regenerate back towards stasis. After all, every moment is attached to a point of life. Maybe I already have reached rock bottom. I don't want to have to reach it again. So when the dips lower keep finding themselves lower still, here is a path up again. When one bad thing happens to throw me from my plan, here is to getting back up sooner, here is the way to take care of myself lovingly, here is the exact technique I need to take when a parent dies, which is the worst thing I can think of that might happen. Here is the exact technique I can take when my pup finally gets to his last day because that will send me deep into a sad place. But also, here is the route out of a serious misstep at school or work. These social diversions from the plan seem to be where much of my anxiety has occurred in the past.