February 26, 2017

In high school I was one of the most disciplined students. I would not allow myself to buy a candy bar or eat it, ever. Next week I am filing bankruptcy. I have gained a lot of candy bar weight too. What happened? My personality has evolved over time, drastically at times, slowly at times, gladly at times (we call that maturing.) It is important to discuss our low points, though not all of our low points, but the ones that come up again and again.

Mine dwells in a history. When I was 17, I was bit by a tick, and I got Lyme Disease, and brought on fatigue and an onset of depression and ultimately madness. At 18 I was diagnosed as bipolar, and my experienced doctor said I was one of the most severe mania cases he ever had seen. At 19 I voluntarily committed myself to outpatient psychological studies, at my father's suggestion, so we could better afford treatment which was the only option for me. 20 years old, my mental capacity and brilliance still existed, but I spent a lot of time agonizing and emotionally discouraged because my strengths seemed overridden by the stigma of mental illness as I attended my first year of college secretly mentally ill. 21, I went back to the hospital for depression during a sad October month when my medicines were altered as I watched the falling leaves out the window wanting only to enjoy autumn.

22, I returned to the college with a new major, Psychology, and I began speaking openly about my struggle and diagnosis. 23 I had already dropped out several times and been readmitted a few times, but concluding another semester of school, I also decided that I did not want to return to that school due to low numbers of friends and unclear vision of my career. 24 and every age I had great strengths but I did not always see them, yet I chose a path of activism and a few jobs and internships in nonprofits. 25 I had a friendship that meant a lot to me, a woman with whom I could play and dance, a peer for the first time since high school. 26 I was feeling the progress of not being hospitalized but realizing the other faults to my story, that I kept getting opportunities that fell through or I could not complete, feeling discouraged.

27 into a program for the purpose of completing something with the solid goal of going back to school afterwards and finishing my college degree, went back to school. 28 In college, dropped out a lot, discouraged by the fact I was dropping out, sad that the friends I was making weren't the friendships I wanted to make or keep. More sure of a few friend relationships, but still the struggle persisted with me dropping out periodically to miraculously still have a place for me held by the saintly college administrator. Took a whole semester off from school, making use of my mental illness perhaps more than I should have, but what's the use of guilt? 29 One year from graduating, still having daily low points, emotionally desperate and in crisis by the end of the day. 30 Graduating, a lot of good new relationships, still the existential daily crisis but so grateful too. 31 Felt horrible, lost a lot of friends, no plan for after college, eventually moved back in with mother, but good times too as always.

32 Working for amazing mentor and professor from college, so glad for deep friendship. 33 Medicine can also be too much, and going a bit down on a medicine helped my nightly sad times considerably, because I had been over medicated. 34 Now here I am. A rustic works in progress, I really am drawing a map of affirmation so I will always overcome. I am learning how to teach everyone. Survival skills for the deep tormented spirit of loss and suffering. From this grief, resilience grows.

“I have a mighty big heart, one of the biggest in the whole world.”

“I feel things deeply.”

“I have learned to talk about my emotions.”

“I know emotions are strengths, even when they present as determents.”

“People admire me because I openly talk about mental illness.”

“I am an important part of my community because of how I relate to myself in this way.”

I believe in the importance of writing and rewriting one's life story in one's own terms, being honest about limits and hard times, but opening from that place, great potential. You might have had a break up, but eventually you need to tell the story of the loss you bare in another way, maybe by dating again, joining a monastery, or spending an increased amount of focus on career. That kind of resilience potential building is at the heart of my story.

For a long time I had a new great idea of my career or my life path every day. I could talk to my loved ones about it, as I did, and I exhausted their interest. They saw me starting paths in grant writing and environmental science, in psychology and following my heart in daily evolutions and ideas that I wanted to be the one to stick.

I have a lot of fears around following any path. It is easy to get charged up and excited about following a path, but then I have been known to start seeing the reasons not to do things the next week or so. The key for me is to stay with the path.

In the long run, of my life story, it took 12 years to graduate college. The lesson there is, when I commit to a goal, regardless of the barriers external or internal, nothing can stop me from accomplishing the goal. So the lesson, at age 34 is, life is too short to drop out. I am going to complete the next program and the next. Life is too short for nightly existential crisis or sadness or being on too much medicine or too little or not grabbing life by the horns and doing my best every moment. College was great. All 12 years were worth the journey, but next time I go to school, in June or August or September, I am not going to back out of anything. That might sound emphatic. It's not that I am not being nice to myself or pushing myself too hard here, it is that I am pushing myself hard and that is what I want to accomplish.

That is where today I find myself. The rest of this story, frankly, is unwritten. Where will my life take me? Will I be able to tread water when tides get rough? This story will let you know.

Sometimes my biggest barrier is a flurry of excitement. I ride its currents, exhausting mental possibilities. Then when I see the answers to my many questions, with acceptance in university A, B, or C, I am ready to sleep. Sometimes the excitement leads to me saying no to the opportunity, because it doesn't end up being what I had hoped or I just feel led astray.

I find myself living in the excited questions. These past few days. Enter my mind through dollar sign eyes. The excitement moves around. I am around ideas before I even get accepted.

Affirmation needed to calm me.

“I have more energy than your average bear. I should go for another walk.”

But is writing one's self affirmations little more than talking to oneself, in so doing, saying kind things about one's self?