March 13, 2017

 

I think a lot has happened since I wrote this. I really should update this journal because something has happened, I have learned something, and I am deeper in self compassion than I ever was before.

First I am going back to see what I wrote because I think that is important. Now having caught myself up, I see that some results are in from before and a lot truly has happened so let me tell you.

First of all, I did not get into university. So when I did go to talk to my therapist, I was all ready to tell her that I felt a part of my life has ended or ended with mental illness at 18.

But Lindsey is a good therapist and she looked at me and said that it can feel like our dreams have perished but I am still young and I can do anything I truly want to do now.

So for about a week I thought, my dream was a husband, a child, and a house. So am I starting at square one? And how would I have a kid if my medicine gives birth defects. Then I got a bee in my bonnet that I would be a good foster parent and I thought about that. Meanwhile, I developed a crush on a man who I really don't know too well and who might not feel the same way.

And while all of that was going on, my mattress stopped supporting my back, and I developed the most excruciating and immobilizing back pain, until I pinpointed the mattress as the problem, and switched the place where I lie, and the pain started to lift.

There is something about body that directly correlates with the rest of us. I never before understood this, but now I see that any symbolism in back pain is deep. I had a pain in the back, and still do to a degree and that meant something to my ego, to my psyche, to my heart and to my soul.

The thing is pressure applied by me to me was crushing my spirit, my hopes, and my existence. Even when I became at the surface aware that my dream could become a reality, when Lindsey told me I could be a good parent or have any dream, that I was young, I still had the back pain, because I was not tending to the deepest need I have, to take care of myself.

“I will be kind to myself. I will take care of myself. I will be compassionate to myself. I will care after myself with the sweetest most nurturing love.”

Since I started to think about that, I have been reading Self Compassion by Kristin Neff that provides research based in science that proves that self compassion is more necessary than food. So is compassion in general. Compassion is compassion whether given or taken or given and returned. Babies deprived of touch and food would much prefer warmth or touch over food. We need to feel good about ourselves too, just as babies need tenderness, we need to give ourselves tenderness.

What should I do when I get lonely and bored and have nothing to do and no one to talk to and something is stirring in me deep and wide that shakes me?