March 3, 2017

In high school I revved my motor so diligently with studying and learning my way through rows of calculus numbers. I was like a top by graduation. It was clear that something was going to happen to me other than just the walking across the stage and the gathering of diplomas. I often feel so duped that I didn't get to use my mathematical skills. In fact I often feel that 18 would have led to a perfect and normal life if I hadn't gotten sick with mental illness. In many ways it feels like my life ended at 18.



Right now is like a turn in the road almost as big feeling as 18. It could be a place from which I go up not spiral down. I now don't have debt to my name and I have a college degree. I have therapy next week. Hopefully I find a way to talk to someone about this turn in my life instead of just following the easiest possibly course or doing what seems like the best opportunity. I want to do for myself what will be best for me. It feels like a hard decision.



“It is best to make long term decisions when I feel like myself.”



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

February 14, 2017

 “I am a super intelligent communicator because I communicate more than most.” This was the first affirmation that came to me. Hopefully this book is a point in case. Or to take that further hopefully I am communicating with clarity and wisdom not just a lot. If I was to say it to someone else, they might need a back story. But can be it a place holder for my esteem that I can return to. Early in the day I had been crying, wondering what was wrong with me. It was Valentines Day, and the loss of a friend who didn't want to be my friend anymore three years ago had swelled up in my heart, and I had felt deep loss. Crying, and feeling low, I called a mutual friend with the lost friend asking why he had dismissed my friendship. The mutual friend was much closer to my friend, but she saw something in me that has always been true and she finally exposed the wound to me so that I could see how to heal it. “You have so many strengths. I want you to know your own strengt
Read more

February 26, 2017

In high school I was one of the most disciplined students. I would not allow myself to buy a candy bar or eat it, ever. Next week I am filing bankruptcy. I have gained a lot of candy bar weight too. What happened? My personality has evolved over time, drastically at times, slowly at times, gladly at times (we call that maturing.) It is important to discuss our low points, though not all of our low points, but the ones that come up again and again. Mine dwells in a history. When I was 17, I was bit by a tick, and I got Lyme Disease, and brought on fatigue and an onset of depression and ultimately madness. At 18 I was diagnosed as bipolar, and my experienced doctor said I was one of the most severe mania cases he ever had seen. At 19 I voluntarily committed myself to outpatient psychological studies, at my father's suggestion, so we could better afford treatment which was the only option for me. 20 years old, my mental capacity and brilliance still existed, but I spent a
Read more

January 16, 2022

 Today is Mom's 79th birthday.  Mom is my buddy.  She is my closest companion and friend.  I love Mom so much and don't say it enough.  This birthday, I remember how precious life is. "I honor the wabi sabi of existence." Wabi sabi means the beauty of impermanence.  When I think of something I can't imagine life without, I am reassured, when I think of it in terms of wabi sabi.   It can be hard to think of impermanence of imperfection as positive, but beauty is interesting that way because sad things can still hold beauty.   But Mom is alive.  So I don't mean for my thoughts to sound morbid.  Just fleeting.  Recognizing the quality of things that are not forever. My life is not forever. My dog's life is not forever. Nothing anyone loves will be here forever.  I don't think.  At least I can't think of anything that exists forever.  Can you? I made a wonderful cake and posted some youtube videos of the process.  (See "thru Schizoaffective Eyes&q
Read more