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February 26, 2017

In high school I was one of the most disciplined students. I would not allow myself to buy a candy bar or eat it, ever. Next week I am filing bankruptcy. I have gained a lot of candy bar weight too. What happened? My personality has evolved over time, drastically at times, slowly at times, gladly at times (we call that maturing.) It is important to discuss our low points, though not all of our low points, but the ones that come up again and again. Mine dwells in a history. When I was 17, I was bit by a tick, and I got Lyme Disease, and brought on fatigue and an onset of depression and ultimately madness. At 18 I was diagnosed as bipolar, and my experienced doctor said I was one of the most severe mania cases he ever had seen. At 19 I voluntarily committed myself to outpatient psychological studies, at my father's suggestion, so we could better afford treatment which was the only option for me. 20 years old, my mental capacity and brilliance still existed, but I spent a...
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January 16, 2022

 Today is Mom's 79th birthday.  Mom is my buddy.  She is my closest companion and friend.  I love Mom so much and don't say it enough.  This birthday, I remember how precious life is. "I honor the wabi sabi of existence." Wabi sabi means the beauty of impermanence.  When I think of something I can't imagine life without, I am reassured, when I think of it in terms of wabi sabi.   It can be hard to think of impermanence of imperfection as positive, but beauty is interesting that way because sad things can still hold beauty.   But Mom is alive.  So I don't mean for my thoughts to sound morbid.  Just fleeting.  Recognizing the quality of things that are not forever. My life is not forever. My dog's life is not forever. Nothing anyone loves will be here forever.  I don't think.  At least I can't think of anything that exists forever.  Can you? I made a wonderful cake and posted some youtube videos of the process...
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January 13, 2022

“I am learning to stick to it. I have been involved in my nonprofit, River’s Way, for over nine months, and now that we are meeting back on Zoom I am planning to be back with it. Sticking with it has been hard for me all through my life, so I am proud to see that I have settled in to something enough to stay with it this long. Sometimes I sit there thinking and there aren’t even words in my head at all but it feels like a very important pause to take, like if I did not take that pause, I never could have got to the words that do eventually come, when they turn into thoughts and maybe even writing. This paragraph is like that. I just was sitting and needing the space of just not even thinking, just a long intentional moment of absolutely nothing. “I am learning to recognize times when I just need to stop and breathe.” So when I say my meditation practice is helping, part of my process extends into random moments too.
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